Tag Archives: worrying

Got my Pumpkins, But not my Life Plan

Every week is different, but they’re all pretty interesting… what makes them so is the combination of different projects I’m working on at the moment. Project one is the babies. Project two is teaching, and trying to maneuver behind the scenes to turn that job into a full-time position so that I can stay in academia without leaving Houston.

More than a year ago, before I came down with a case of “the pregnancy”, I submitted a journal article. I got back the usual “revise and resubmit”, but I actually hadn’t opened the feedback until now, a year later. I was too tired and overwhelmed.

The reviews are hilarious. One recommended immediate acceptance and gave it the highest possible scores. The second went on what sounded like an emotional rant about what a piece of garbage it is, and gave it the lowest possible scores. The editor was like (….) but wrote that if I managed to garner such extreme reactions I must be doing something right. Kinda cool. Anyway, I must revise some bits to address “angry reviewer”‘s gripes.

I am also toying with taking on freelance projects- this happened by accident. A design firm in town got in touch with me out of the clear blue and asked if I’d do a three week project for them. Then, after my hopes skyrocketed, they flaked- said they’d decided they could handle the project in-house after all. But I got a taste of the money, and I must admit, I liked the idea of actually getting to pay down my debt.

Speaking of, my first choice academic publisher wants to talk to me about my book- in person. How do I explain that I don’t have the money at the moment to fly to conferences at which I’m not presenting because their call for papers happened when I was birthin’ the twins? (Plus, I don’t know whether they’re even worth the investment right now!)

Oh, so much life confusion.

Ok, so some random things:

I can hear little C2 babbling upstairs- the little dork has only been “napping” for an hour, but he slept through the night last night (Sweet Jesus yes) so he’s forgiven.

After seeing how much baby food for two growing twins is costing us, I am back on the “making baby food” bandwagon (not an affiliate link- I don’t have my act together enough for that). I may be behind on all other crafting and planning and tidying and exercising, but the baby food thing is happening. You’ll see.

After my friend K got me to go to two in-person classes with her, I tried the online Bar Method classes yesterday. How are they? I have no idea- a minute into it, the twins started fussing and crying, and they didn’t let up until I forlornly turned off the video and gave them my full attention.

Being only the stepparent, I had no idea Monday was a day off for A and C. Made me wonder whether I have the day off from teaching too. But nope, it’s the usual routine. I got a fun primer on the sins of Columbus from C this morning – as we say in Texasland, Happy Fall y’all.

Pick a mood and stay with it

I called my mom for Mother’s Day last night, and talked to her for a long time, while T tried to make me laugh with rude hand gestures in the background. Then he tired of harassing me, and fell asleep on the unmade bed. Had to get him to begrudgingly move in order to put the freakin’ fitted sheet on. I live with a man-child (aka a Japanese guy- sorry Japanese guys, but c’mon).

Struck by a big cloud of the blues about an hour ago. Am supposed to be researching Russo-Japanese relations for my internet broadcast tomorrow night, and I just want to crawl under the bed covers and cry. Things just catch up with me rather suddenly… and I was so genki today and yesterday… now I’m wallowing in anxiety. And I want my mom. It even takes a certain amount of mental health to really write about my fragile mental health, and I’m losing steam quickly.

I am afraid because, while I plan to go back to Houston in August, operation “convince T to move to the U.S”. has become “I guess I’m coming back to Tokyo in late November…” this is out of necessity, because selling my Houston house means I’ll be…. without a house if it sells quickly. I can crash with my sister or parents, but, as I’ll explain some other time, I kind of need to crash with T.

The logistics of storing my possessions and all this other stuff that’s on my mind (vague vague vague) bury me at times, and I just want to give up.

I don’t even have the energy to tell you the cross-cultural masturbation story from last night *sniffle*

Edit.. okay, I cried for a full hour and freaked out T when he came home, but it helped. I needed a serious cry. I have to stay up to talk to my American meds doc on the phone at 10AM CST (midnight here). That’s fine, because I hadn’t felt like making any food and T and I talked for so long that he’s just now getting to make some dinner at 11:15PM.

I think the key is going to be to make a list of everything I need to do in my personal life, as I do in my professional life, and rather than focusing on the biiiiiiig picture, focus on the minutia. Things need to get much, much smaller, not bigger. I’ll tell you about the funny conversation later.

I have no idea what I am doing

(Edited to add that after I wrote this I got sucked into a bunch of Japanese-gaijin relationship blogs, and it seems both 1. and 2. on my list above are super typical Japanese guy things. Which… does and doesn’t help.)

I have no idea what I am doing in my personal life right now. I knew it was a mistake to get involved with anyone while in the midst of things with J, but I wasn’t doing well on my own, and wanted to transplant myself into an apartment that felt like a home. Since I couldn’t return to my own home, someone else’s home would have to do.

But this week I’ve been worrying about T and my long-term viability, and my panicky feelings of wanting to bail now (for months I have oscillated wildly between thinking he’s the most wonderful person on the planet, and wanting to flee back to the U.S. This is evidence of why I -should not be dating-). Anyway, this week’s reasons are:

1. I am a total introvert. This was a problem with J and I in some ways, as I consider “socializing” to include sitting next to someone while I read/use my laptop and they do something else. It worries me that when I am busy (and he is off work), T is bored. Really worries me.

2. Money. While I have used my time apart from J to indulge in my longstanding desire to create a budget, T perpetually has a slew of unopened letters on his coffee table, representing bills he’ll “get around to paying”. I first realized this was a problem when the electricity was shut off in his apartment one day. Today it was his cell phone. I wrote him a long email about why he should have this shit set to auto-pay and how for me, that type of behavior is unacceptable. He cheerily replied that it’ll all be fine; he’ll pay tonight once I’ve given him my half the rent. I tried
to tactfully point out that he should have paid… sooner.

Despite J not supporting my desire to create a physical budget, he and I were/are both generally on the same page about money. If anything, his rigidity allowed me to take the role of the frivolous and irresponsible spouse, nickel-and-diming us on obscure health food gimmicks from Whole Foods, etc.

But you can’t say “I need to step back and take a breather because I am crazy right now” to someone you’ve already moved in with after only three months. Can you? (Did I mention I have essentially zero dating experience? Incapable of breaking up with the first man I became seriously involved with, we’re only now, 15 years later, separating… I latch on like a barnacle and try to squash all doubts). Anyway, I can’t afford to move again and we live in a 1K apartment (1 big room plus kitchen area.. nice bathroom/toilet rooms and hallway that’s all closets, so we’re basically stuck sleeping in the same bed).

I also struggle to find the right words to express these things in Japanese. And because of what a mess I am right now, I am inadvertently toying with the poor man by my mood shifts and by what I say to him.

I was listening to the most recent episode of Radiolab’s podcast, and the woman on that episode, Kelley Benham, said (of an unrelated experience) that she felt as though her whole normal life had been ripped away, and there was nothing familiar left at all to cling onto. I feel that way every day. This is why I have gotten weird about hyper-organizing the crap out of everything.

I’m really trying at the moment to get it together. I recently started playing with the Pomodoro technique to gain control over my productivity,

Anyway, today’s feelings are that I’ve gotten myself into quite a quagmire (giggity giggity) and I don’t know how to get out… (before Sept, that is… after that I can always go to the U.S.) or even if I want to get out, although my heart tells me that’s the fair thing to do.

In “keeping my chin up” news, I am going to give Lush’s “Caca” henna hair dye another chance tomorrow. My hair is half-grey at this point, and I’ve rocked it for almost a year but am bored. I can only go for so long without changing my hair color.