I haven’t blogged here in forever- it’s been close to a year, actually. And now I am finding the urge to write all of a sudden, because I am in a difficult place, professionally. And my professional identity has been my entire life’s project for so long. I feel really stuck. Ok, so what’s on my mind? It’s time for a serious update.
I just moved out of J and my house, and am mourning that a bit. Don’t get me wrong, I felt really isolated in that space a lot of the time, but I also had decorated it, and I had a lot of room to breathe there. I moved to a townhouse that would be the perfect size for just me, but I have a roommate (because I needed to save money and I didn’t like living alone in my old house).
So far it’s a bit difficult- she doesn’t like how many books I have and is really bossy about decor. I can’t tell what she thinks of me, honestly. I feel like we’ve had a few near-arguments, and she mentioned that she didn’t think we’d bond (which hurt my feelings). I was really unhappy about this move, and even keeping in mind that it’s a transitional place, it’s hard to be here. Everything about it feels like a giant compromise – my old dogs need to be carried up and down the steep wooden staircase, and cry whenever I even run upstairs for something simple and leave them behind. There’s nowhere to sit outside but the parking lot. My bathroom is so small that I can barely close the door and sit on the toilet at the same time. It’s honestly hard. I can’t wait until the next time I have a house again, a home again. In the meantime, I kinda didn’t even want to unpack.
Honestly, I feel like I am back in Japan again, spatial limitations-wise. But without the control over my space.
More important though is that I graduated. I finished my Ph.D. I am a Dr. And I am waiting to hear on a lecturer position at a nearby university (read: not tenure-track). I want to stay in the Houston area, and I’m not sure about this whole academic thing as a result. Yes, I am staying in Houston for love. But love is important.
I just don’t know whether to take this lecturer position, if offered, or take a corporate job. I feel so burnt out on academia. But I don’t know if that’s just me feeling defeated by my current life circumstances, or what. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I keep trying to work through my current depression by talking the ears off of everyone around me about this. I don’t know that it’s resolvable by any means other than somehow getting a signal from the universe / divine intervention. I don’t know if I made a terrible mistake getting my PhD.
More later. It’s time for bed.