Very long time, no blog

I haven’t blogged here in forever- it’s been close to a year, actually. And now I am finding the urge to write all of a sudden, because I am in a difficult place, professionally. And my professional identity has been my entire life’s project for so long. I feel really stuck. Ok, so what’s on my mind? It’s time for a serious update.

I just moved out of J and my house, and am mourning that a bit. Don’t get me wrong, I felt really isolated in that space a lot of the time, but I also had decorated it, and I had a lot of room to breathe there. I moved to a townhouse that would be the perfect size for just me, but I have a roommate (because I needed to save money and I didn’t like living alone in my old house).

So far it’s a bit difficult- she doesn’t like how many books I have and is really bossy about decor. I can’t tell what she thinks of me, honestly. I feel like we’ve had a few near-arguments, and she mentioned that she didn’t think we’d bond (which hurt my feelings). I was really unhappy about this move, and even keeping in mind that it’s a transitional place, it’s hard to be here. Everything about it feels like a giant compromise – my old dogs need to be carried up and down the steep wooden staircase, and cry whenever I even run upstairs for something simple and leave them behind. There’s nowhere to sit outside but the parking lot. My bathroom is so small that I can barely close the door and sit on the toilet at the same time. It’s honestly hard. I can’t wait until the next time I have a house again, a home again. In the meantime, I kinda didn’t even want to unpack.

Honestly, I feel like I am back in Japan again, spatial limitations-wise. But without the control over my space.

More important though is that I graduated. I finished my Ph.D. I am a Dr. And I am waiting to hear on a lecturer position at a nearby university (read: not tenure-track). I want to stay in the Houston area, and I’m not sure about this whole academic thing as a result. Yes, I am staying in Houston for love. But love is important.

I just don’t know whether to take this lecturer position, if offered, or take a corporate job. I feel so burnt out on academia. But I don’t know if that’s just me feeling defeated by my current life circumstances, or what. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I keep trying to work through my current depression by talking the ears off of everyone around me about this. I don’t know that it’s resolvable by any means other than somehow getting a signal from the universe / divine intervention. I don’t know if I made a terrible mistake getting my PhD.

More later. It’s time for bed.

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2 thoughts on “Very long time, no blog

  1. S

    You didn’t make a mistake. Had you not finished your PhD you would have always regretted it. If you decide to stay in the field, that’s great. But if you choose something else, that’s OK too. It’s not a failure to pursue a dream for a while and then choose a different path (if it were, I’d be a failure many times over!).

    Reply
    1. matchaproblem Post author

      Thank you for the comment- you’re right. I would have regretted it. It’s hard to see that right now. Academics are so hard on each other about choosing a path other than a university one though. And my ego is so caught up in academia. Really torn at the moment.

      Reply

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