Desperate Times

It’s 1:35 PM on a Sunday and I am lying sideways on my sofa with my eyes held closed as tightly as I can. My limbs feel like lead, and I am shaking a bit. I can feel my heart beating irregularly, in violent bursts. I can’t recall what my doctor told me this is called, but it can happen when one consumes an excess of caffeine, and also as symptom of a chronic overload of cortisol (stress hormone) in the system.

I think I’m about to be broken up with today. Again.

We’ll see in an hour or so.

In the meantime, my stress has reached peak levels. I can feel the noise in my brain, the pressure in my skull. Having an acute anxiety disorder + shit that would stress anyone out + PTSD = kind of untenable physical state.

I was broken up with in the past, in part because I’m “too old” (35). He wants kids, and my being 35 means we’d have to rush it. He’s 35 too. It’s not fair.

And I think I’m going to have to take my coping strategies to another level as a result. I’m looking at tickets to Philly (my parents’ house) for tomorrow. And I’m thinking of trying to go to San Francisco in July. I’ll keep up my dissertating pace, as the only thing that will get me out of this current stalemate is graduating (or perhaps spontaneously making great strides with my enlightenment).

I am sitting up now, and turning my head every time I hear a car drive by. I am afraid of him arriving. I had initially planned to let him message me first, but I woke up crying and shaking, and knew I couldn’t spend the entire day in a state of tension. I need(ed) to know, and so I wrote: “Can you come over? ”
He replied: “Yeah – let me run first and then I’ll head over!” And me: “Awesome, thanks”

Last night, when I didn’t understand why he’d walked away from me and gotten in his truck to go to his own place for the second night in a row, I texted him: “I wish I knew what is going on. My heart hurts.”

He thought I was referring to my house, at which my new housemate told me there had been an attempted break-in that night. Or perhaps he was avoiding my question. He replied with a query about the house. My heart hurt more. In the dark I held a pillow close to my chest and breathed.

While I was driving home, at 2AM… later than I’d wanted to stay, (but I’d stayed because he was there and I was afraid that leaving would mean I’d be the one walking away prematurely),  I saw something amazing. A shooting star, vivid and bright in front of me on the road. I was surprised at how clear it was against Houston’s light-polluted skies. I wished with the full force of my heart, trembling a bit as I did.

Sometimes I wish I could trade a little of my social anxiety, my awkwardness, my difficulty opening up for some of the cheery natural extroversion I see around me. I envy people from whom love seems to pour freely (and not so much the ones who are just loud and effortlessly social). But I’d have to give up some of my sensitivity in the bargain, I think.

I wish I could freeze my age, and not continue aging until the current chaos in my life had sorted itself out. It doesn’t seem fair to waste life on pain. (I know, I know.)

I am about to be broken up with. By someone with whom I am in love.

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4 thoughts on “Desperate Times

  1. F.A.T. L.Y.L.A.

    I hope everything goes well!

    I can relate to how you feel on so many levels. I don’t know if this is how you feel, but I find myself in a panic just about being this anxious, socially awkward person in my thirties. 36, to be exact. I never would have imagined I would be this way. To make matters worse, my boyfriend is a social butterfly. I feel like my anxieties about what others think, and my lack of confidence, push him away more and more. We have a long distance relationship, so that doesn’t help much either. I actually started a blog just last week, in an attempt to make myself more sane before he moves up in August. I’m hoping that blogging about my anxiety, and my attempts to overcome it with small and big challenges I’ve set up for myself, will keep me honest and focused on getting better. It’s basically wrapped around my new mantra: Forget All That, Live Your Life Anyway…F.A.T. L.Y.L.A.!

    I hope your evening shows great new possibilities for you!

    Reply
  2. Michelle

    I’ve also had these times, when I was panicking about being broken up with, because everything felt like it HAD to happen. Sometimes this feeling is right. And sometimes it’s just you panicking. And then, when you ask, the other person probably won’t even know what you’re talking about, because in their world everything was juuust fine.
    Hope, you were wrong. Bet, you hoped that, too, while writing this post.

    Reply
    1. matchaproblem Post author

      He’s undecided. I think he’s afraid and is looking for excuses to break up with me, and the excuses that he’s coming up with are really flimsy. If he wants to break up with me, I guess I can’t stop him. And I suppose it’s easier in some ways if the reasons are things that I cannot change or help… I don’t know if I’m right to even try to fight for him.

      Reply
  3. Eileen

    Unfortunately, cheery natural extroversion doesn’t mean one doesn’t have massive social anxiety. I need people around so much, and I need to interact with them constantly, and I am terrified of them.
    In order to let love pour more freely in my interactions with others, I’d have to let go of my fear. But that’s never easy. I try to work on it person by person.

    Reply

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