Hey there internet, how are you doing?
I haven’t posted in a while… the sign of a high quality blog, indeed. I haven’t had the emotional energy, truth be told. And my life and emotions have been on a rollercoaster.
I got broken up with on Monday, which has never happened to me before- that’s how little dating experience I really have. E had seemed off on Sunday evening, and then when he arrived Monday, late, he was distant and exhausted/withdrawn looking. He said words that will echo in my head for a long time “You are remarkable. But … over the past few weeks my romantic interest has waned.” He went on to explain that he thought we wanted different things in life– or he must have said that later because immediately after he said the first part I felt a cold/hot sensation move from the top of my head to my feet. And I went into a kind of shock. Then I started hyperventilating.
He tried to explain that this is what happens with dating, and I sobbed inconsolably.
And somehow, with tears in my voice, I began to talk about what I really want out of life, which is to say that after the tumultuous last few years, I don’t know.
I told him that I don’t know how to date, that the process of getting through that fraught early stage seemed to me to be impossible to bear. I just wanted to transition immediately to the part where we live happily ever after (ha) in the same house. I saw no particular reason not to let every bit of my ugly anxiety and neediness show, as the man had just broken up with me.
And then he started crying. He said “I’m so sorry,” over and over again. I was suddenly consoling him.
Something strange happened as I spoke quietly, and with tears running down my face, about how… after so many years of wanting to be a professor, I suddenly didn’t know any more. I am tired of waking up regretting that I didn’t choose to write fiction as I’d planned until age 22. But.. I also don’t know if I don’t want to be a professor. I’m having too many life crises at the moment to risk making important decisions. I told him that I didn’t think either of us knew our life plans are incompatible yet, and that I wished we could try to figure out whether we might compromise as we keep getting to know each other.
He looked at me with the saddest brown eyes and said:
“Can we forget I ever said anything?”
I didn’t know what that meant but I just cried more.
It meant he was un-breaking up with me.
The next day he wrote to me: “The emotions you shared with me last night were extremely touching and I’m sure that whatever issues/hangups/etc we have they can be overcome. I’m so sure of it.”
I have been having an incredibly anxious week- my abandonment issues got triggered hardcore, I have my period, and a UTI on top of that (sorry, readers). I’m horribly shaky and yesterday I was so scared that I got trapped in a coffee shop for a while because I was too anxious to simply stand up and walk across the room. I was unable to stay long when meeting friends for drinks because my nervous system was such a mess that I couldn’t bear the din of the bar.
The night before all of this, E had cancelled plans with me (claiming he was stressed). Tonight he did the same thing because his best friend needs some home network help, and after a nap I wrote to him:
“So I told you I’d be totally honest with you from now on, even when my pride says to stfu. I had a fear response to hearing I wouldn’t see you tonight because of my temporary need for reassurance and wanting to reinforce our bond/feel safe again. I hope you can understand where I’m coming from. (And that this isn’t a request to change your plans at all!)”
He replied: “I totally understand and thank you for being honest!” and then some other stuff I won’t bore y’all with.
I am praying that someday I’ll get to a point with E, or (unfathomable right now), some other boy where I can show them this blog. Where I can expose all of the parts of my life that I keep from people until they have found their way 100% in. Having lost the closest person to me in the last year I no longer have someone that sees every part of me.
So I guess that’s why I keep trying, even though it would be easier not to right now. I didn’t mean to meet E when I did.
My shrink had me read a book on Love Addiction, which confused me because I do the Love Addict stuff when I feel vulnerable and the Love Avoidant once I feel secure. (Also, I hate the phrase “love addict”.) Never do I relate to a partner in a healthy way, but realizing it is half the battle, right? I’m willing to admit that I’m codependent, and working on it.