You know what I hate the smell of? Tobacco. Good pipe tobacco in hand rolled cigarettes is one thing, but mainstream convenience store tobacco is another. It didn’t used to bother me quite as much, but now the faintest whiff of it is enough to hurt my head.
Then again, everything is annoying me lately. I am on an absolute hair trigger, and either respond with tears or rage to everything. I know I’ve got to get out of here (meaning Japan, though if I could get out of this apartment I would be much saner), but I’ve also got to finish my research. And I definitely need these last few pieces.
I was totally wrong to get into a new relationship while still deeply grieving my old one. I thought I was okay, but my doubts have simply grown and grown to the point where I know I need to break it off with T when I go back to the U.S., and get myself together. My realization of this has made it impossible for me to be emotionally intimate in the meantime, and really I’ve shut down completely. Actually, I’m turning to J quite a bit, actually, because he knows me the best, and he is the only one who I think really understands the trouble I’m in right now.
I have really, really tried to convey to T how bad my mental health is, and he -sees- it in action, but he truly doesn’t understand it. And I think that also created a rift between us. But the major problem is just me, the way I retreat and withdraw when this tense. I am about 50% more cheerful when not around him, to tell the truth.
His not letting me get any sleep isn’t helping… last night I rolled over (sleepless as usual), to see him sitting upright, staring at the wall. Maybe I’ve seen too many Japanese horror movies, because I -jumped-. He was fast asleep, as always. In general his antics in bed are so extreme that I want to film them.. but it’s not worth the trouble. He did the usual full 360 rotation last night and kicked me in the head a few times… I am so over this. In the rest of my life, this kind of sleeping behavior is going to be a deal-breaker. Either go see a sleep specialist, or get out of my bed.
I think wistfully of how when I lived in Chicago and was going through a spell of insomnia, J’s soft occasional snores were unbearable to me. In contrast, with earplugs in and a pillow over my head and a white noise machine going, T is still loud.
So yeah, gotta get out of here, and in less than 2 months I will. But 2 months is a long time to try to carry on in this state, so if I can bail sooner that would be best…
T has two days off this week and I had been planning to go to a coffee shop and work, but now I’ll feel pressure to hang out… and I don’t really want to be around him at the moment. I want to be hugged tightly and for a long, long time, by J… who is leaving me. And I want my dogs… the same old refrain.
It’s a good thing I’m writing these mostly for my own stress relief, because I’m incapable of being entertaining at the moment.
Thanks to a wonderful care package I was able to make good mac n’ cheese last night, and awesome bean tacos tonight. The tacos were bliss. I will never take for granted the sheer variety of international foods available to me in the U.S. And the bagels.