Working does help (oddly enough considering how much I procrastinate lately). So does getting out of the apartment, which is a space I mostly associate with crying until I pass out. I had an appointment today in Omotesando, so I just stayed here. I caught a glimpse of myself in a bathroom mirror, and my face looked drawn and grey, with deep bags under my eyes. My appearance startled me so much that I took a photo and Line-ed it to J… I think I wanted him to see the physical toll that all of this is taking on me.
My parents are the only reason I was able to extend my research stay another 60 days… annoyingly, had I known when I applied for this grant that I’d need to be here 15 months this time around the Grant Agency would have funded me… but I didn’t anticipate it, and when I was poised to run out of money on June 15, my parents wired me the money to cover my continued stay. I feel really guilty, actually… at 34 I wish I was supporting them. Until recently I wasn’t broke, and I didn’t know that I would be, so I didn’t plan for this. I genuinely don’t know how I am going to cover my bills come December. I might have to see if someone wants to rent a room in my house. (I wonder if $400/month is fair for full use of my furnished house. It’s in Houston, and a 15 minute drive from campus in the uncool direction…)
I so much prefer Omotesando to Harajuku, proving, I think, that I am indeed a giant yuppie.
Monday I do a presentation about my research in Japanese. Oh my… am going to see if I can run it by T on Sunday evening. To distract everyone from my incoherent babbling I am using lots of photos. This is contrary to the usual English-language anthro conference approach of reading an essay out loud to a room full of people whose power of concentration must be better than mine.
I kind of want to get Japanese fancy manicure-nails done before I leave, just to do it, but I wonder how long they last… miss my cheap American pedicures.
Right, anyway, parents sent me money, and they actually sent extra to help with my medical expenses of late (woah, baby carriage filled with 5 Chihuahuas just passed my cafe… distracting).. so today I was wearing a pair of shoes that has somehow, recently become way too small for me. My feet aching as I walked, I leapt at the chance to nab a cute pair of strappy sandals for $30 (3000 yen). Ironically the shop only had size 25, and I’m a 26, but I tried the LLs on and they fit well enough. So I bought my first luxury item (tattoo and eating out aside- which are not to be downplayed) in months.
I tried to leave my old shoes with the shop owner and not take the box, but she was having none of that. Not that I blame her. I’ll put them up for free on craigslist and see what happens. (There go those dogs again!)
I keep wondering how American tourists end up here. Considering how few vacations I’ve taken in my adult life, I am often startled to realize that other people… do that. I wish while I am in the “neighborhood” I could see Korea (North, of course) or China or Australia… but I don’t know how I’m going to financially pull off the mandatory conferences next academic year, let alone gallivanting around East Asia!
Also confused lately about which name to use. I am legally still LM, but I already think of myself and am trying to get people to refer to me as LR… I have to go back and forth depending on the situation. And I think I’m confusing a lot of people. Never. Never changing my name again… and I suppose someday I do want to meet someone and fall in lurve again…
(see, I still do have hope despite the depression)
Wow, I meant to take a 2 minute break from working and went on this ramble…
I never wanted to get a divorce (does anyone?) … my anxiety makes me rather conservative about how I live my life, so… yeah, despite appearances I’m just a homebody who wants to feel safe. I feel like I am surrounded by babies and pregnant women right now…. and cruelly, as I am 34, I know it’s the wrong time for me to be pregnant/have a child, but seeing infants reminds me of how alone I am.
I think I’m going to pick up this book soon: Going Solo: The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone, although Eric K can suck it for having a family of his own.
So maybe this fluffy one too: “Single: The Art of Being Satisfied, Fulfilled and Independent”…