This is not a divorce blog

But today I need to break my vow of niceness only and f’ing rant. I am really upset with J, who has turned into such a cold jerk over the past few weeks…. my parents’ comments that I was naive to think we could split amicably are ringing in my ears.

His new girlfriend *grits teeth* doesn’t like being woken up in the middle of the night by my dogs, who are afraid of thunderstorms. Houston has a lot of thunderstorms, you see. J has been bullying me for months about how much he hates taking care of my dogs, and I wish so much that I could teleport to Houston and bring them back to Tokyo with me immediately. They’re my babies, and… I don’t want them to be with someone who doesn’t want them. To be fair, I extended my research stay by 2 months, but I -need- to do that for this project to work. And I know he has made sacrifices in order to take care of them. But they used to be -our- dogs, just as it used to be -our- life.

Anyway, he had asked me if I could contact my parents about taking the dogs, so his girlfriend can sleep and he can spend more time at church. My parents live near Philadelphia… so getting the dogs from Houston, Texas is no small feat. I told him it didn’t make sense for my parents to take the dogs now, as I’ll be back in August.

Before going to bed he left me with this bombshell… that he basically had changed his mind about his promise to support me while I write my dissertation, and he didn’t even want me in our house because we’re selling it so soon. This brief, bitchy email neglected the fact that houses take time to sell, and someone has to pay the mortgage while it is being prepped to sell, and then sold.

So why can’t I live there? Of course, with him cutting me off all of a sudden I may not be able to afford to… I dipped into my stipend from the U this year (which otherwise has been pumped into savings, as I am living on a research grant) in order to buy a laptop. I did this with J’s approval, thinking we’d still be married and sharing finances the following year. So now I have maybe $10,000 in savings…. not a liveable annual “wage”. He wants me to move in with my parents. Yeahhh…. no. I haven’t lived with my parents since I was 18, and I love them, but I am simply too proud. And we’d kill each other.

And no, I don’t want to work while writing my dissertation. There’s some stuff I am leaving out as to why, that I’ll get to later. We’ll see though… I am an inflexible self-centered girl at times, so I might have to bend on a lot of this. Still in shock though, so don’t mind me. I may really have to suck these things up.

So, this leaves fighting him on the house thing, which I plan to do, but otherwise, moving back to Tokyo to write up, and live with T. To be fair to T, I need to explain the $10,000 thing, that I’d be a parasite (apart from my radio show salary), and we’d live like crap in Tokyo until I finish the dissertation.

Ugh.

I am naive about people. I believe they won’t hurt me, despite so much experience to the contrary…  My parents, as I mentioned above, think I am naive, that everything is going to go south, and that I should have “lawyered up” yesterday.

Until today I was never angry, just sad… but now I am pissed. Between that and him telling his family that I’d run off with a guy, not that we had an open relationship and were both dating other people, and that it had nothing to do with the end of our marriage… yeah, I’m pissed. Coward.

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