Wibbling on the Densha

How am I going to make it three weeks while my brand new shrink is away on vacation? Feh…. too much going on right now. I’ve actually been quite busy with research, which is great! My things to do list is, as ever, very very long. But I do wanna write in here in order to keep my shit together.

My blog graphic made me crave matcha, so I had to go and make some.

Talking to J makes me cry almost every time. I guess I was still holding onto some weird hope of reconciling with him, which is bullshit because I’d been thinking so much about divorce since we moved to Houston. And going through this process of serious grieving over the loss of my marriage is so unfair to T. So I mostly try to hide this from T, and hope that I can work through it and get over it, and move on over time. Maybe I can find a good Kindle book about “going through a divorce while dating someone when you shouldn’t be dating”. There’s a book about everything, right?

Most of the time, if I don’t talk to J, I am okay, but he and I need to communicate about a lot of things, and I invariably wind up in tears on the train…

Meanwhile, T continues to impress me with what a good guy he is. I came home exhausted from my radio show on Tuesday night to find the entire house immaculately clean, the dishes done, the laundry done… hell, that morning while I’d been “doing research” he’d been cleaning the apartment balcony.

My life drama really pisses me off, because all I want is to just be happy with T and bask in how nice it is to be with a lovely, considerate, and happy guy.

More life drama: I briefly, briefly sorta had a fling with a guy in the fall. He was terribly immature and lived in the scariest apartment I’ve ever seen with his mother, who has a terrible hoarding problem and doesn’t clean because she’s mentally ill. M’s father had died when he was young, and had been a yakuza member… he promised his father on the man’s deathbed that he’d take care of the mentally ill mother. So M lives in one relatively clean room in a huge, but filthy and packed apartment that should probably be reported to someone…

Any wonder the guy is a little off? He’s a sweetheart, but he believes in all of the dumbest conspiracy theories out there about the U.S. and the New World Order and the Illuminati and whatnot. And he kept getting me to watch You Tube videos to that effect and then asking me what I think. Well, the crap about the American medical industry neglecting significant research if they couldn’t make (enough of) a profit off it, and even suppressing promising research if it’d cut down on their profits, that’s all true. I watched my father go through that with his Cancer research.

Anyway, M ditched me around November, and kind of fell off the face of the earth. But then he showed up at my train station late at night the other night. And that was weird. I was with T, and later I received messages on LIne from M insulting T (who is kind of a small guy- shorter than me) and generally being a prick. I don’t know if M is going to create problems, but am hoping not because I really don’t think I can handle that on top of everything.

M is unstable enough though that I’ve been watching my back a bit. Sigh. I’m so naive about dating that I don’t/didn’t have a weirdo detector at all (T is not a weirdo… if anyone is a weirdo in our apartment, it’s me).

T does think that most of what comes out of my mouth in English sounds like “fuck you” though, so… there’s that.

Last thing, I promise. Jim told his family about the divorce, and though he warned me he was going to “throw me under the bus”, I was still saddened to hear that everyone now thinks I am the spawn of Satan. I really didn’t want to lose my youngest brother in law, who was only 7 when I started dating Jim, and is now 23. Crazy, eh? He’s MY brother, and he barely talks to J anyway because J treated him about as well as he treated me… crap, I just violated my “not saying anything negative about J on this blog” policy…. it’s just that I am bitter about losing my in-laws and bitter that I had to be made to look bad in the process.

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