I have no idea what I am doing

(Edited to add that after I wrote this I got sucked into a bunch of Japanese-gaijin relationship blogs, and it seems both 1. and 2. on my list above are super typical Japanese guy things. Which… does and doesn’t help.)

I have no idea what I am doing in my personal life right now. I knew it was a mistake to get involved with anyone while in the midst of things with J, but I wasn’t doing well on my own, and wanted to transplant myself into an apartment that felt like a home. Since I couldn’t return to my own home, someone else’s home would have to do.

But this week I’ve been worrying about T and my long-term viability, and my panicky feelings of wanting to bail now (for months I have oscillated wildly between thinking he’s the most wonderful person on the planet, and wanting to flee back to the U.S. This is evidence of why I -should not be dating-). Anyway, this week’s reasons are:

1. I am a total introvert. This was a problem with J and I in some ways, as I consider “socializing” to include sitting next to someone while I read/use my laptop and they do something else. It worries me that when I am busy (and he is off work), T is bored. Really worries me.

2. Money. While I have used my time apart from J to indulge in my longstanding desire to create a budget, T perpetually has a slew of unopened letters on his coffee table, representing bills he’ll “get around to paying”. I first realized this was a problem when the electricity was shut off in his apartment one day. Today it was his cell phone. I wrote him a long email about why he should have this shit set to auto-pay and how for me, that type of behavior is unacceptable. He cheerily replied that it’ll all be fine; he’ll pay tonight once I’ve given him my half the rent. I tried
to tactfully point out that he should have paid… sooner.

Despite J not supporting my desire to create a physical budget, he and I were/are both generally on the same page about money. If anything, his rigidity allowed me to take the role of the frivolous and irresponsible spouse, nickel-and-diming us on obscure health food gimmicks from Whole Foods, etc.

But you can’t say “I need to step back and take a breather because I am crazy right now” to someone you’ve already moved in with after only three months. Can you? (Did I mention I have essentially zero dating experience? Incapable of breaking up with the first man I became seriously involved with, we’re only now, 15 years later, separating… I latch on like a barnacle and try to squash all doubts). Anyway, I can’t afford to move again and we live in a 1K apartment (1 big room plus kitchen area.. nice bathroom/toilet rooms and hallway that’s all closets, so we’re basically stuck sleeping in the same bed).

I also struggle to find the right words to express these things in Japanese. And because of what a mess I am right now, I am inadvertently toying with the poor man by my mood shifts and by what I say to him.

I was listening to the most recent episode of Radiolab’s podcast, and the woman on that episode, Kelley Benham, said (of an unrelated experience) that she felt as though her whole normal life had been ripped away, and there was nothing familiar left at all to cling onto. I feel that way every day. This is why I have gotten weird about hyper-organizing the crap out of everything.

I’m really trying at the moment to get it together. I recently started playing with the Pomodoro technique to gain control over my productivity,

Anyway, today’s feelings are that I’ve gotten myself into quite a quagmire (giggity giggity) and I don’t know how to get out… (before Sept, that is… after that I can always go to the U.S.) or even if I want to get out, although my heart tells me that’s the fair thing to do.

In “keeping my chin up” news, I am going to give Lush’s “Caca” henna hair dye another chance tomorrow. My hair is half-grey at this point, and I’ve rocked it for almost a year but am bored. I can only go for so long without changing my hair color.


3 thoughts on “I have no idea what I am doing

  1. Tracie

    *hugs* Figuring out this life stuff is hard. I had to learn to be a bit of an iron lady and just not be afraid to set myself free from things that were preventing me from living life to the fullest.

    1. corachaos

      It is hard when you can’t talk to your partner, especially because of actual translation. I might suggest that you write everything out and have a friend or your therapist translate it for you. You would like to feel security and love while there. Not paying bills on times makes you feel insecure. “My emotions about my husband are confusing me.” “I fear for my future security” “My research is distracting and difficult” “I am afraid what I feel is comfortable silence, bothers you”

      Liz, I know you. You need to communicate.. Sometimes you need someone to help you do that.. Writing in Japanese in a clear way in which a “typical” man would understand might help you if not correct the problem, or at least clear it up in such a way that you can live today in a comfortable way until you return to the states, at which time, my love, you can address those stressed that exist there. I love you heart and soul.

      1. matchaproblem Post author

        You know, last night we had a good talk actually. And I found some blogs that really did help me. I think many men here are coddled so much by their moms/grandmas and then coddled by their wives, that they just never learn how to be adults. T is a remarkably good adult in general, but the bill paying thing shouldn’t surprise me because in Japan the man (traditionally) turns over his salary to his female partner and she gives him an allowance and handles all the household finances. So many men I’ve met here just don’t even try with money, because eventually a woman will come along and fix it.

        I feel like I can talk to T about anything in the theoretical sense, but not in the linguistic sense sometimes. I actually use a dictionary when we’re talking about difficult things.

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